Reflections on Searching for Safety After Abuse
How it feels to finally speak plainly and publicly about the abuse in my marriage
When I agreed to give the talk at Restore 2025, speaking about my own experiences of abuse and grief and my journey toward healing, I had some trepidation. When I wrote the talk itself, I prayed, A LOT, about what to include and what to leave out and about my posture in sharing. Then when I went to Restore, I prayed that my talk would help even just one person.
I had several meaningful conversations afterwards with women who had faced similar challenges. I found their words encouraging and life-giving, as I hope mine were for them.
At the time, I didn’t really think about the experience of the speech eventually being shared on YouTube and the entire saga of the last seven years of my life (and really the twenty-five years before that even), being microscoped and commented on again.
It’s a really weird thing to have people create YouTube videos about your choices (I’m talking about those released in 2021-ish when Dave Ramsey couldn’t cover things up anymore and my ex-husband ended up getting fired). Thankfully, most of them were gracious, some of them were informative, but also many of them got things wrong.
I’ve not felt the need to correct people’s characterizations of certain details of my story with the exception of one — people were so focused on the affairs. Probably because Dave was (or really wasn’t) focused on the affairs.
Dave was focused on the money, honey.
“We could cancel the book tour, even though that would cost us ten million dollars, is that what you want us to do?”
Dave “asked” me that question three days before Christmas, two weeks before the book tour was scheduled to kick off, in front of a group of board members, his wife, leaders from my church, and my then husband. I now know how manipulative that was.
But people didn’t understand that the affairs weren’t ever why I filed for legal separation in February 2019 (Yep, you read that right, I didn’t even file for divorce. At the time, I still was seeking repentance and reconciliation, alongside safety for my kids). People didn’t understand that the divorce wasn’t what damaged our children so greatly.
It was the emotional and psychological abuse to all of us, and the physical abuse to my older boys, that almost destroyed us. It was for the protection of my children, at one of my sons’ urgent request, that I filed for separation.
On top of that, it was the spiritual and psychological abuse, and the cover-up and hypocrisy, by Dave Ramsey and his team that further confused my children about the truth, who God is, what integrity is, and whether anyone cared about what was happening to them. It also further isolated me and crushed my spirit. Thankfully, there were those around me who saw what was happening and rose up.
God, of course, always saw the truth.
To be fair, I didn’t make the abuse clear publicly either. But I did make it clear to Dave and two other leaders at Ramsey Solutions in late 2018. I told them my husband was abusive. My church leadership also confirmed that, as did my father in a letter to Dave.
They simply Did Not Care.
And at the time, and in the aftermath of my divorce, I was focused on healing, on protecting my children, and on not telling their story of abuse which was so intertwined with mine.
But at this point, part of the reason why I feel more free to speak openly is that God and I have had lots of conversations about it, and I’ve released the impact of my words to Him, as well as the care for me and the kids in light of speaking publicly.
Also, not insignificantly, the child who reported, and who desperately begged me to protect him, died in 2023, I believe in great part due to trying to wrestle with and numb the psychological effects of abuse and the truth. Another is now an adult with whom I’ve had many conversations about what took place over the course of his life and even before. And finally, as to my youngest son, also now legally an adult, I’ve spent his whole life protecting him, and as his mother and conservator, me speaking publicly about the truth actually furthers that purpose.
Don’t get me wrong, I never needed my children’s or anyone else’s permission to tell my own story. But my love for them and desire for their healing has always come first which complicated what I felt free to share, when, and to whom.
And I’ll be honest, I’ve always hoped that someone, anyone, involved in this story from Dave to Sharon to Jeremy to Brian to Suzanne to Jen to of course my ex-husband to the women he manipulated (that’s a tricky one there) and the myriad of others, would encounter some experience or learning in their own lives that would convict them about their role in the harm to me and my children.
I’m nothing if not a believer in the Holy Spirit’s ability to convict us. And God’s ability to heal hurting people and broken relationships. So long as it is authentic and not sweeping things under the rug.
Note for the reader: repentance, forgiveness, consequences, relationship, trust, and reconciliation are all separate things and just because one occurs, doesn’t mean things go back to how they were prior to the harm or that a reconciled, full, trusting relationship is required.
But I’ve also learned a lot about what repentance actually looks and feels like. I won’t mistake cheap grace for true repentance anymore. But where there is repentance, there is immeasurable forgiveness and grace to be offered on my end.
I’ve already forgiven all of them. For my own healing. For God’s glory.
Because of love, I also want them to be free.
Freedom doesn’t come from sweeping things under the rug. Either by the harmer or the harmed. It comes through honest wrestling with the impact of our words, actions, and choices on others. And that is what I have to offer.
My door is always open.
Warmly,
It was such an honor to have the conversation with you, Melissa. So glad to know you, and in wonder at the courage to continue pursuing safety, freedom, and healing for you and. your children. Thanks for sharing this with us.